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Poetry Lyrics Text by fantom125

Poems and Lit by wallawallaw


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Submitted on
August 4, 2011
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She feels empty ever since the cassette
stopped playing her lullaby and made
dancing seem impossible when it used
to be effortless; effortless because it was
their dance, their
song, their story to write freely but
when he no longer wished to write
she tried to continue, until she
realized the pen contained no more ink, and
she had to face the fact that this
was where she had to end the
dancing, the music, the story ; for she was
alone in it.
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:iconkevin-patrick:
This is a very good verse and organized nicely with the columned explanatory line. Again being free verse it's difficult to judge or critique but in this case you have helped that along with the format.

You told a story here, and have a seamless flow as it continues much like the subject's action, a dance. The thought and form of the poem follows like a paragraph from a short story that was then formatted differently. This can work to great effect and you utilized the technique nicely.

The only part I could see as a small improvement and it's truly only aesthetic, or "dressing" so to speak, would be to alter the last two lines slightly for dramatic effect. I would add to the second line one word.. "; for she was 'dancing' and then with the last line drop the 'in it.' part and just have "alone." The singularity of alone being the only word in the last line and the finishing thought of the work would make the concept more dramatic, you could even put a space between the lines to over emphasize the loneliness. As I said though this is merely dramatic dressing, the line as it stands still accomplishes it's purpose.

KP
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:icon000skyarrow000:
000SkyArrow000 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That one looks simple but you did so organized .....and the feeling you showed is the kind I like to see in poetries and poems..

Sounds sad but in the same time like real life.....
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Professional Artist
thank you :)
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:icon000skyarrow000:
000SkyArrow000 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you are very welcome.
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:iconwallawallaw:
wallawallaw Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
nice acrostic poem
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Professional Artist
thanks!
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:iconwallawallaw:
wallawallaw Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
you're welcome
Reply
:icongrg123wntn:
grg123wntn Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
great job with the structure here. i dont know the name for the effect, but love it when the first words allign to form a thought. nice work.
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Professional Artist
thanks
Reply
:icontwombold:
twombold Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm inspired this is very good
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2011  Professional Artist
(:
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:iconrifle1980:
Rifle1980 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011   General Artist
i like this on two levels. Its fabulously structured but also you can do bold and underlining and i cant lol :D
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Professional Artist
thank you ^^
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:icontallcanxd:
TallCanXD Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
I'm inspired.
Great work.
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Professional Artist
thank you!
Reply
:icontallcanxd:
TallCanXD Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
You are very welcome, Miss.
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:iconryocreate:
ryocreate Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2011  Professional General Artist
... Future belongs to those who believes in the beauty of their dreams ...

:)
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:iconryocreate:
ryocreate Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2011  Professional General Artist
... speechless ...

* My fav.

deep ... :)
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:iconryocreate:
ryocreate Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2011  Professional General Artist
... speechless ...

* this is great. :)
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:iconlightnshadow7:
lightnshadow7 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
Very original poem, I love it a lot.
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Professional Artist
thanks!
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:iconkion-art:
KION-ART Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011
beautiful!!!!!
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:iconelcuate:
elcuate Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Abso-freakin'-lutely incredible!!! I love how you made the poem so it could be read vertically as well :)
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Professional Artist
Thank you :D
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:iconelcuate:
elcuate Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
:)
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:iconsideshowsito:
sideshowsito Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Professional Photographer
cool
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:iconadrolyn:
Adrolyn Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, where were you hiding this talent at? Very nice.
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Professional Artist
haha never hid it, was just waiting for the right moment! thanks!
Reply
:iconatsy:
atsy Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Absolutely amazing! Stunningly beautiful!!!! I LOVE IT!
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:iconatsy:
atsy Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Edit: I would write a critique but I'm left speechless and I can't find 100 words right now to describe how lovely this piece is
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Professional Artist
Awww just that compliment was enough! Thanks :D
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:iconatsy:
atsy Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. I've always tried writing a piece like that but I could never make it work... you've got talent!
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:iconbluedreamer77:
BlueDreamer77 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This has to be one of the greatest poems I've ever read. Its great! Thank you. I love how its two things in one.
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:iconmisslaurelle:
MissLaurelle Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Professional Artist
Thank you very much :D
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:iconbluedreamer77:
BlueDreamer77 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Your very welcome. I really liked it a lot.
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